Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
