Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
la cocaina
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
