[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
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husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.