Drake the type of nigga to get a wanted star in Grand Theft Auto, drive to the police station and turn himself in.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
‘I want to see other kids.’
[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
*pulls knife from hat*
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??