Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
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Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
🙅🏻
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
about 25 yrs ago there was a tornado warning in my town & my neighbor’s 4yo kid screamed “a tomato’s coming” but the tomato never came & i think about that to this day
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Husband of the year 😂