@aneesa_p

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

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@DrizzyTheType

Drake the type of nigga to get a wanted star in Grand Theft Auto, drive to the police station and turn himself in.

@jus4golf

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

@IamEnidColeslaw

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT

@rockymomax

[me as a magician]
*pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooOoOo
*pulls knife from hat*
A: ooOoOo
*pulls sautée pan from hat*
A: NNOOOOOO

@OllyiConic

genie: you have three wishes

me: make firemen ugly

genie: you got it

me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well

genie: ok

me: take the big ladder off their truck

genie: dude what’s your problem

@Elizasoul80

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

@TrophyWifeDayna

I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.

It didn’t make it.

@Nikkeya08

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

@GauravBlue4ever

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??