Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning

—my thighs lying about the friction this summer

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

🙅🏻

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

[watching #diving]

ME: Huge splash! Nice!

ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.

ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.

“so what brings you to therapy today?”

Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—

Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO

Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*

[First Date]

I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.

[Second Date]

*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery

I like to think of myself as an onion. Peel back the many layers and deep down inside you’ll find a smaller, more anxious onion.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves