Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
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Got upgraded to first class for the first time ever and it’s CRAZY. Free booze and brunch. Bigger TVs. Comfy seats with tons of room. An extra page in the safety manual that says in the case of a crash landing we’re entitled to eat the passengers in coach
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”