Contrary to popular belief, you can’t see the Great Wall of China from space.
However, if you listen intently, you can hear my kids fighting over an iPad in Texas.
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The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
same but as an audience member
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.