Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [touching grass]

Grass: ok first of all, no.

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

This made me chuckle cuz mood

guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

I don’t know what to do

I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder

“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”

I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.

Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!

My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.

million dollar idea: worm dehorser

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

Boss: Have I made myself clear?

Me: No, I can still see you.

Boss: Shakes head.

Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:

“Your teeth are illuminous.”

Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.