Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
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I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.