Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe

March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.

November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.

[1st day in Senate]

Me: I’m against genetic engineering.

Scientist: We’ve developed kids with volume knobs.

Me: How much funding do you need.

how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k

me: *gets up* ok see you then

Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?

Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?

Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

If you can’t beat them

Just try sunny side up

6:There’s a monster under my bed

Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM

6:SCREAMS

ME:KIDDING it only eats kids

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.

sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*