Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.

*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport

Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

Hello 911?

“What’s your emergency?”

You work in a building?

“Yes”

Inside?

“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”

So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.

Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.

If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son

I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.