Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.

I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”

It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

[Petco]

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.

ME: Like a mermaid?

INTERVIEWER:

Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.

Well, they’re not laughing now.

Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;

1/Walk slow

2/Stop for no reason

3/Repeat above

[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*

Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”

Happy, happy holidays.

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

Welcome to adulthood.

You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”