Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
I have no passwords left in me
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours