[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.