[Controversial and unpopular statement]
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It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*