Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
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The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Wait i haven’t finished my old year yet can I get a to-go box
if you watch Friday the 13th part 3 backwards, a hockey goalie heals murder victims by walking away from them.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy: