Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
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Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no