*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
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Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
they finally got him. they got macavity
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Only people who grew up before the internet will remember these: spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Bloody internet 😳
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee