*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
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Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 😉
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
pretty sure we already dropped enough balls in 2024
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Are you a robot? Select all images with weak points in humanity’s defenses.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
20’s: what even is a hangover?
40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]