*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
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*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
It doesn’t really matter who wins today as long as both candidates tried their best and had fun.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.