*controversially pours a glass of milk*
You Might Also Like
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Who chose this font
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers