Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.
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As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
And that about sums it up.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves