Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.

Me: You could stop cutting.

If Twitter has taught me anything it’s

[several hours later]

time management.

Only 10 more days til Halloween!

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.

Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.

“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”

That is definitely a reality show I would watch.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”