Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*

[wife texts me from France]

“Really?”

I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?

almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free

My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk.

I said yes.

That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.

*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.

me: can i have a raise?

boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals

me: by giving me more money

And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro