Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
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People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Shoo shoo! 😂
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
just arby’s bein’ a bro
