Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.

It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house

I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.

perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself

sigh

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn

I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

You know I’m something of a chef myself

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

8yo: *drawing family portrait*

Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?

8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired

*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard

*start a fire*
People: calm down

It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.

People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*

My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.

*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog