interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
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That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday