Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I think we should hear other voices.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.