Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

Yeah, I use She pronouns.

But not like a girl, like a boat.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.

What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?

13 seconds of eye contact.

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]

“Oh peas no!”

[WHAP]

“Why u bean like this?”

[SMACK]

“Don’t u carrot all?”

[CRACK]

I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.

Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”

Me: “7”

Him: “oh really?”

Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors

A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”

That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name

“Donkey”

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t