@mrtimlong

CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:

ME: Two Thin Mints please

GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!

ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings

GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS

ME: Four boxes would be great.

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@SardonicTart

“Well I guess I better get ready for work”

*gets out of bed*

“Ok I’m ready”

@Tbone7219

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.

@envydatropic

I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.

@stinky_blinders

My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

@UnFitz

An oversized cargo ship wedged firmly in the Suez Canal, but it’s me trying on my pre-pandemic jeans.

@MavenofHonor

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)