Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
😂😂
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Uh oh…
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.