Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
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I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard