Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
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Not today. 😅
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?