Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
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*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu