conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
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When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Everything becomes normal eventually. Think of the most beautiful spot on earth, the place you would give your left arm to see just once before you die. There’s a tour guide who works there, and he wakes up every morning thinking, “Oh god, not this shit again.”
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?