Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
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I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.