Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

Things that keep me up at night #6874

The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?

Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.

Me Got it.

Dad: Where’s mom?

Me: Visiting Super Dad.

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

*walks into Best Buy*

*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.