Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!

If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.

[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

spot the difference

If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.

I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”

Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*

Seven Worst Crimes:

7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting

Genie: you get three wishes

Dog: I wish I was inside

Genie: two wishes

Dog: I wish I was outside

Genie: one wish

Dog:

Genie:

Dog: I wish I was inside

Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?

your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.

Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster

For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed

Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent

Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.

And they come in the next 15 minutes.

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.