Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria![]()
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Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.