Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
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That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I don’t want kids, but I do want grandkids. Hoping science finds a way
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Ears are great for tucking your hair behind in the wind. Big shout out to ears.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
I gave my kids one last chance to stop playing with their whistle in the house.
But they blew it.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
every olympics i turn into this guy
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
*seductively corrects your posture*
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun