Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
As the Lord intended
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
