Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
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I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
and this one
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.