Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

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Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA


My superpower is to cross the road safely and get hit by a parked car.


[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help


I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.


I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.


Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.


When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.


There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots


Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.