@scott_towel

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

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@karanbirtinna

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

@_Promaniac

My superpower is to cross the road safely and get hit by a parked car.

@ArfMeasures

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

@MAngelo505

I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.

@GuyThe_Guy

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

@WheelTod

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

@i_Lean

When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.

@Inferno_V

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

@Kendragarden

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.