Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Chemical wingman
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
umm…
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!