Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.

ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”

going ballistic.

anyone need anything?

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.

And now someone’s texting him.

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies

I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..

H- you’d better get to a doctor

Me: It hasn’t even been a full day

H: what? It’s been two days

Me: how do you figure?

H: today and yesterday

Me:

I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”

My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”

“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”

~A parent’s memoir.