Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
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[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.