Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.

I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.

*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*

Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

This is sending me to another galaxy

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels

A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.

So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.

[later at the dinner party]

ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

*watches him dance*

*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.

48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.