Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.

Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits

Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.

“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.

“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.

I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.

Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!

Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?

Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.

I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.

Just not with each other, obviously.

Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.

Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.

Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

I’ve faced more peer pressure to watch certain TV shows than to do drugs.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people