Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
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[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.