Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy