convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
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me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Steam Forums
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.