convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
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The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.