Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
PARKOUR
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
translated into Canadian
The 4 stages of a family vacation
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros