Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I told my vodka about you.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
Alexa turn off the planet
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.