Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
You Might Also Like
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Kicked it off with someone at the store, talked about how hard it is to make friends as adults and we both wish it was like when we were kids and you could just ask someone to be your friend, said “well it was nice to meet you!” turned around and drove home
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
If you want to avoid dementia, choose parents without it in their genealogy. Science shows everything is genetic. Especially intelligence
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free