Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
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My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“the hills are alive”
“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”
“with the sound of music”
“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.