Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

[walking into a gym]

me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories

Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this

Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius

Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

Y’all know who you are.

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.

I’d like to apologize…

To anyone I have not offended.

I’ll be with you momentarily.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”

Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?

Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.

Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.