Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

I’ve started doing some weight training. I’ve already taught them “sit” and “stay.

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.

“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?

If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.

I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.

Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”

I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.