Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.

Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice

Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO

I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

mom: everyone has to learn to swim

kid: even jesus?

mom: of course

jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda

Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.

Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks

to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking

If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.