Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear commercial,

If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.

A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

#ProTip

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

What should we call this portable computer?

SOME GUY: Laptop

[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

“How’s your day going?”

My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

I accidentally poured vodka on my orange juice this morning. Twice.

Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.

I haven’t run out of receipt yet.

Rest assured?!

Buddy I have young children, the only thing I’m assured of, is that I won’t be resting for long

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.

The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people

Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics

Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

me and the Superbowl rn

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?