@newLettuce

Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me

Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word

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@Home_Halfway

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

@ibid78

GOD: let’s make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we’ll call it an armadillo for some reason

@ellle_em

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough

@CountDankulaTV

The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.

Why is no one talking about this?

@mattZillaaaa

What a cute baby, what’s her name?

“Ethel”

She’s gonna make a great grandmother

@ramjitsingh_

It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.

@sonictyrant

I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.