Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000