Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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GOD: let’s make an armored raccoon that turns into a bowling ball
ANGEL: but why wou-
GOD: and we’ll call it an armadillo for some reason
<Password too strong>
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.
I shouldn’t say this aloud but which idiot called it bug spray and not buzz kill
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at