Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
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Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I’m going to need a moment here.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day