Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.