Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
You Might Also Like
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.